Time Travelling to the past.

taniajaworskaa
Sep 8
6 min read

Writing has showed me how much Internally I was holding in. Feeling every emotion, it deeply humbles me. It also makes me feel great knowing that we are just fragile but strong souls and it’s up to us to use our past pains into something powerful.

The mourning

Black swan,

The elegance you carry.

Your colour holds depth like the ocean blues,

The outcast, the meaningful wise soul.

Oh, how you don’t belong.

Your long neck crying for new bar mitzvah,

You swam, while your feathers danced in the wind.

Your eyes glimmer at the magnitude within the stars,

The pupil showing the film of your hopefulness.

The stars, they keep reminding you,

No longer a black sheep of the herd.

But a beautiful reflection of hurt, the pain and beauty within your soul.

You only stopped for a moment,

Realising the tragedy you came out off.

You beautiful soul, you didn’t deserve

Such a powerful momoray. ©

Momoray (n.): a memory that exists only within the mind; the echo of a past darkness that has ended, but shaped the soul.

A part of me

My life was never picture perfect. My whole childhood was very disturbing and abrupt. I never knew what peace was until now. Then, peace was not something you cultivate or even have.

I look back and the ache I have towards my younger self who went through torture, no real firework identity but one struck by pain and lightning. She was hurt and the memories of the past they still haunt her today - while also making peace with it.

The shouting and the screaming it became normal even if it didn’t feel ‘normal’ I still remember till today; how mentally deranged every scene and every moment was.

It felt like a mental asylum, a patient in the corner of the room with both hands in the hair saying ‘no no no’ while the head automatically shakes side by side.

This is how I would describe inner torture while being mentally, physically and emotionally attacked. In my mind - I paint pictures to give myself relief of such dark troubling times. You would call this expressionism.

Time travel to the past

I was sat with my family in KFC, my favourite fast food restaurant and a vision just naturally arose. My body zooming back into the past - while my insides crippled within. Making me feel small again.

There I was 14 year old me, begging my mother not to ship us off to our alcoholic father. Who she made out to be a total villain in her own narrative.

One day, she stormed in, angry as the devil. There she was packing our clothes in suitcases, while muttering to herself. Telling us “I wish I never had you” “you were a mistake” or “you don’t deserve me.”

Painful, I know.

The way she would storm in without an explanation, just one sniff and she was someone else.

It’s like a zombie,

First smell of innocent blood.

Up on its feet crooked,

Two cracks on the neck

And two cracks on the feet.

Charging at us to torture us,

And eat at our fragile brains.

Bringing a wave of disorder.

Leaving us scared and vulnerable.

I was the eldest so I wasn’t just fighting for me, but for my 3 other siblings who were even younger. We. Did. Nothing. Wrong. However, she made out that we had ‘ruined’ her life.

The worst thing was her malicious boyfriend was there just casually watching us cry our eyes out, while we apologised time and time again. It was like a game for her, to threaten us, mocking us and teasing us. It was sick.

I was throwing a fit begging her to stop this malicious act. Then, I didn’t realise how sick it was. Like I said - this was normal.

Even just writing it, it’s so distributing and makes my eyes water with essence of pain.

She even took us as far as going to the outside of he’s house. In her malicious man’s van. We kept telling her how much “we love you” and “we will do anything to stay with you, please.”

We were just young, so so young. We didn’t get to experience love. She just continued to rob our joy, our peace and continued to hate us with her awful devotion of suffering.

It was all very fast and quick but it's crazy how much the mind and body can recall. I remember every little detail - the tension in the air, every word spoken from her lips, every cry from my siblings and the language she spoke and the way my heart was panicking and the blood rushing to my brain. It became real again, as I stood in the hallway, hoping she would just stop.

We ended up returning back home with her, we all went to my room. There my 3 siblings laid in bed, red sore eyes and I just looked out the window. Wondering why our life was such a nightmare. Causing another ripple effect in the body - numbness, desperation and the ache for it to end but it never did, the cycle always continues.

Looking back

I just wanted to scream and I was cursing her in my mind. As I sat there helping my daughter eat her little cute food. Still in line with my morals, I asked God to forgive me for cursing at her, I’m just so angry.

I believe today; she never loved us, never cared and sometimes; this is the hardest pill to swallow because someone to have children and to rob there innocence, flipping it by creating chaos and disorder is by far a criminal offence and that’s the truth.

If this got out when we were younger social services would have taken us away and that’s the truth but she was afraid of that too. Indeed, she made sure we didn’t tell a soul.

I sit here writing this passage, not to give a self help guide but to bring light and awareness because this is real, it’s not fake. That’s why this blog is called ‘This is Raw and Real.'

My life was hell all the way up to 25 years old. I was under her control for years and years. Even till this day; I feel awful writing this about her, she is still a person, that God loves. However, this was my reality and I’m not going to hold it in. That’s not fair on my inner child, she deserves a good ending to every in-humane memory.

I’m glad I ended the relationship with her because everyday I claim my identity, I claim my freedom and I get to live out to see my daughter have a beautiful life, one with joy, peace and expression. This itself, heals a wound that nothing can band aid.

I get to rewrite my own story because I’m choosing a new trajectory. I realised in my times of healing, all the tears of grief that I don’t need to live in the past anymore. I don’t need to hide what’s happened to me but to live it out in my current life. I can enjoy and be present even if my mind somehow takes me time traveling back into the past. At the end of the day; I own the pages to my past, present and future.

Don’t let the pain of the past, destroy your present because this is your future. Rather allow the pain to guide you to inner peace. At the end of the day, you deserve it and you owe it to yourself to feel that after years of suffering.

Allow the pain to be your greatest teacher, it’s in your mind for a reason and it wants to share a lesson. For me it was humbleness, gratitude but most of all; to show myself empathy and love.

My time traveling had ended, looking around to see my hot food and my two favourite humans, enjoying. Exhaling out, I smiled knowing I’m safe and appreciated. God truly blessed me with what I needed.

I was never a burden. I was the best thing to happen but some people they take it as a pinch of salt, ruining there own mindset.

If you can't see, then you'll always see an illusion, one that's painted red and not brown.