The Church Effect - How I came back to my Senses.

Monologue:

I was under your spell, for 25 years.

My soul tied from behind.

Innocence, robbed from the heart.

Indeed, I arose from the dead

Like a corpses bride,

In search for the moon.

Only for me to realise,

just how unfaithful you had been. ©

Summary:

So, you’re probably wondering how I came to my own enlightenment and my own awakening that continues to flourish over time. I had my doubts on certain spirituality because at the time I was following the Christian teachings of God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. This included going to church, reading the bible and praying.

I found myself, as I followed the way of the biblical teachings, loosing my identity. Loosing my self, following orders, becoming one - dimensional, rebuking my fears away only for them to come back tenfold and being controlled with orders from my mother who claims to be a ‘prophet.’

At the time I thought this was the way, but overtime I become more and more depressed and suppressed within. My mind was controlled by negativity and heavily focused on the limited belief system I carried due to my upbringing.

When I got married, I couldn’t see beyond the physical and i just couldn’t take it anymore. Bound to my past, bound to this religious way of life. Even if someone said it’s a “relationship with God” I tried that for nearly over 2 years, fasting, praying, rebuking and speaking in tongues - all to find myself crying at night from the emptiness I was feeling every day and the suffering of nightmares and confusion.

I would have dark, vivid dreams that felt real, like I could feel every touch and emotion in real time. To be honest: this stirred up so much within me and I constantly wondered why I would have the same repeated dreams.

Not only this, I often encouraged my husband to be more ‘Christ like’ which involved heavy amount of praying, fasting and reading the word but it all became the centre of our relationship, which in my eyes I came to dislike. We bickered more due to night disturbance - as I would wake up from night terror.

These dreams become so intense i was going to my mother, to prophets/preachers, constantly repenting for my sins and asking for prayers, trying to seek understanding but no not one single individual could tell me what was happening to me.

The prayers never worked.

I never got my answer.

Most importantly, I never got the healing my soul desperately needed.

Trapped, hurt and mentally drained. I found out I was pregnant with a baby girl, I went home really upset after finding out the gender. A couple of days later, I sat down with myself, talking to the soul within my womb and with the deep feeling of anguish and droplets of tears, I claimed out loud “I will heal, I will heal for you. You don’t deserve this, my love.” Not knowing this will all lead to a certain demise of a relationship.

I didn’t know where to go or where to begin my healing. I just dropped my faith, praying and pushed the bible out the way. I decided to eat some warm food, spend time with my husband, laughing, cuddling and basking within the present moment.

My mother would constantly phone me and I got sick of hearing from her, everything that happened in my past was constantly repeating within my mind - the shouting, screaming, the emotional abuse and the cursing was imbedded in my mind. Throughout my life even on my journey with Christianity. It was still haunting me. Even if I asked God for healing - my inner child was torn to sherds because of the numbness i was carrying from childhood. At the time I didn’t know how deep this all was until later on.

She would constantly manipulate me with biblical terms “You can’t use the past against me” or “I’m a new person now” but the major hold was; I was in her control because she showed me to Christ, at the most darkest times in my life I was never met with a hug or kindness - instead that I needed Christ or a deliverance.

I would explain it like this;

Inner me was chained and hidden way.

Locked away in many boxes,

Far away, from the light.

Scared, vulnerable - I decided to answer my own call to freedom.

Even if darkness, was still looming over me…

My Growth:

I started to realise I’m not okay and I needed to take new path. The first step I took was putting firm boundaries down - to only answer my mothers calls on a Friday afternoon. I needed space and after telling her majority of my life, for once, I chose clarity and to stop this obsession she had with me.

“Healing is like a bridge. To get there it requires acknowledgement and understanding.”

I acknowledged how much chaos I was in and I needed a lot of space to really focus on healing. I knew it required some sacrifices. So, I decided to quit the job I hated, in fact they were going to fire me anyways for being naughty. (I wasn’t answering the calls or emails.) I felt like my soul was being sucked out of me. Sitting behind a laptop - real desensitising.

Over time I would just relax, scroll and just watch some animated YouTube videos. You’re probably wondering how does this relate to healing? Sometimes, this is healing, it doesn’t need to be a fancy retreat or constantly worshipping.

“Just because social media projects different types of ways to healing doesn’t mean it’s for us.”

Simple acts, small steps will lead towards the route that you need to take. Healing is not a straight clean road - there is different ways to go, obstacles, people, yourself, your past, present and future. These will be on your journey to your awakening.

Nothing is easy, in fact healing is very tough and unpredictable. One day your happy and the next your sad about what happened to you when you was a child, the next hour your laughing at a funny film or apologising for mistakes.

Having a past of people pleasing left me vulnerable, I decided even if it’s hard to dedicate my time on me. I didn’t know who I was and went on the pursuit to getting to know me. I started off by reading blogs on how to live an intentional life, mindfulness living and other ways of life. I wanted something more that I could cultivate rather than listening to what others had to say or what they were doing to find there truth.

I came across a blog that deeply resonated with me and I read the same passage on repeat because it felt so moving and I could feel my body relax through the words and the visuals that were coming alive in the mind. The blog was about a sea turtle and moving with tides of the sea (I will link it at the end of this Blog.)

This is we’re my love for personal development books was born. I grew up with no emotional intelligence, neither did I have any self awareness. I had to learn from scratch, what real self love looks like and being aware of my own presence. Reading felt like it was washing away years of deprivation.

I started enjoy going out for walks, hearing the birds chirp their chants and the cold breeze on my fingertips. It was soothing and as my belly was getting bigger the more I gave my body movement, creating a healthy balance of activity and harmony.

While I did this, God gave me another tool to meditate, I naturally gravitated towards. I would take pregnancy naps but I would struggle to fall asleep right away - I would just close my eyes while listening to rain, thunder and slowly allow my body to transcend into complete bliss. I did this everyday and it gave me control over my own life. Even on days I didn’t sleep, I would meditate and visualising positivity.

I also started speaking and writing affirmations over my life, I was journaling my thoughts, short and long, baking and cleaning. All gave me peace of mind. I stopped doing it for others but did it for me and set the intention on me.

Slowly my dark dreams became healthier, they were less erratic but I still didn’t understand them, but I would ignore them even though, I always wondered what they mean and why they come with such intense emotion.

I’m naturally a lonely person, I don’t have friends or supportive family but I became my best friend, I enjoyed my own presence so much more when I decided to start Pursuing me.

Healing is a personal journey. Nobody has to understand you but you have to come to understand who you are. In the 9 months of creating peace - I still ended up loving God, I was talking to him like a friend and a guider.

It was never meant to be a parallel,

It was far more introspective.

Deeply hidden within.

Not far away,

Awakening is a trajectory,

An unfamiliar hope.

Realisation:

Months went by and one Friday afternoon after the a call with my mother, a still voice came out of the air while I was cooking said to me “you will cut of your mother” I didn’t understand, I thought it was my own mind playing tricky but another day came when I was in the kitchen the same small fragile voice targeted me and whispered “you will cut of your mother, for 8 years. You have no choice but to do it”

Near December, we had a lot of pregnancy scares and I felt like I was loosing control. The hospital were saying that my baby is ‘too small and she’s not growing well’ this all gave such heavy anxiety as they pushed me to have an induced labour. I really didn’t want to do this, I wanted a natural birth and I knew my body could give birth the way I was visioning it.

I ended going into the hospital for 4 nights, we were so tired from the bad sleep. 4am in the morning I decided to discharge myself. Me and Kamil (my husband) left hand in hand, hoping and believing that we will give birth naturally.

I’m someone who doesn’t like to go against nature. The beauty is that you can’t force what mother nature has already ruled out. My pregnancy was super healthy. Heck, I was even thriving. The truth is we are taught to listen and obey, all while leaving risks outside the door, I didn’t want to do that. My heart was set on it. It will happen.

The next day I phoned my mum to let her know that I discharged myself and I believe that God would send the baby naturally. She got frantic and started panicking like it was the devils agenda against my life “I’m going to come and collect you, you need to have that baby now.” I was getting angry.

Was she having the baby or me? A couple of days later she had brought loads of baby items and we all sat together to have a look at the gifts she brought. But one night something really disturbing grabbed my attention.

We was speaking, she kept asking me why she kept having a ‘ringing tune in her ears’ and claiming she needs to go to see a prophet in America and get anointed. She asked me to travel with her “no, i’m giving birth and starting a family?” I didn’t know what to say, I was completely baffled by her presence and the words that slipped out of her mouth. She always made it about her.

Overall, I believe you don’t need to do all this to find peace or to find answers. You’ve got to look within, internally to find your truth. This time I just kept my mouth locked, why? She never once applied wisdom to her life that I gave or offered.

My whole childhood and teen years, all I ever did was serve her. I was a slave for her to dump her problems, what was going on in her life and her straight up lies that continued to tangle us. She never wanted greatness for us. Rather she wanted us to live in her little wild world, all while being her foot stall.

It was time for bed, she was staying over so she slept on the sofa. As I was walking to my bedroom I could hear voices all around me and they were loud. Looking around I saw nothing but I could hear. I realised it was not me after all. It was the mother. The deep internal work I did, guided me to realise - It was never me.

It was creepy,

Deeply intuitive -

Like two hands with sharp insidious nails,

Creeped above me as I slowly entered the silk sheets,

With a mind full of bad voodoo.

One big gulp,

I closed my eyes, hoping for the worst.

They say the first born are always carrying the inherited curses. They are the ones to also break them. Reminds me of a dark horse lifting it’s hooves from the ground, leaving a whine within the air.

Here I was a mind full of suspicious messages I thought. A question arose after she left the next morning. 'Could it be that this was never about the church or the faith, but an enemy right in front of me?'

© [Tania Hadley Jaworska] [2025]. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be copied, reproduced, or used without prior written permission.