My Beautiful Truth.

There are many religions out there, I've been active in a few. I’ve seen the depths people go to, seeking God and participating in religious ceremonies, trying to find answers to life questions or to understand oneself.

Some go to pay respect, others may find joy in celebration, others may follow blindly, while others have found peace after many years. The importance is that we all have our reasons, opinions and beliefs. Which is why the world is a beautiful place, you can learn from everyone and everything. That is the beauty of creation, it’s there for a reason.

I came across the paths of - Hinduism, Sikhism and Christianity. All three I have witnessed with my own eyes. They all come with depth, inspiration and knowledge.

I have also gone down the route of not even believing in any form of faith. In my younger days, I didn’t believe in any God but some part of me believed in a higher power, just didn’t follow strict rules. But this was kept as a secret.

At that time my family were between Hinduism and Sikhism. I always felt really conflicted and confused, always felt more peace when it came to Sikhism because it wasn’t tied to any image of God. Plus, I loved the blessed sweet pudding they would give at the end. It’s called (Karah).

My younger days I didn’t want to believe, secretly I just despised all of these religions because there would be chaos, feuds and violence in both homes, I was living between my mothers home and my grandparents.

I always went up to the God’s, the status and I would speak to them “if you are so mighty and powerful. Then why is life such an ache?” My mother she would force us to follow. She wasn’t a nice person and we were only young. If we didn’t follow the directions, then we were claimed as ‘atheist’ in her eyes that’s frowned upon - evilness she would say.

Life is sweet

Life is bitter

Life is bittersweet.

My family believed in what they did because they have been raised to not question and just follow. Like many of us who grow up in Asian homes, we are ‘shhh’d’ towards silence. leaving us in the control of other people’s way of life. But there is always something to learn even when you’re in the grasp of others. In my eyes, it’s led me to write my blog - My beautiful Truth.

A little back story

When I was at my worst and my mental health was slowly deteriorating, it was the equivalent to hell. I had moved out and got my own tiny place and a certain individual would make me out to be ill because of my choice, of leaving a very messy home. Claiming she was never the one to actually push me out in the first place.

In the end, I came back to my mothers home after 2 months, as I couldn’t be on my own, I had lost my job and everything was turning upside down. During this time, I gave my life to Jesus and started feeling peace, reclaiming some part of me that was lost when I was having mental breakdowns.

The time I was living on my own I would have weird dreams and sleep paralysis every night, which led me down a path of insomnia - causing me to not to sleep or even eat. Watching my back while I brushed my teeth and feeling crippling anxiety. The noise influenced me to smoke more cigarettes than usual. It was torture but when your blindfolded, you just accept fate, not destiny.

But I was trying to get away from her, my mother. She was manipulative, angry and I was old enough to go out into the world to find my peace and initially freedom. It did not go to plan. As I didn’t realise the back handed effect of trauma, I thought it could easily be fixed by leaving, by a click of a finger. That’s not the truth and ended up back with my family. Coming back was great mentally, but the tables turned really fast.

She spoke that I was under her authority now that she handed me to the Lord, praying for me and showing me this new way. She claimed she was new and improved, a changed women because of Christ. I believed her and I allowed my delusional self to suppress everything that has ever happened to me. Loving her again because she gave me Christianity. I told myself, 'the past is the past right?'

Over time, I was perusing a relationship with God and building a relationship with my mother. I would tell her my sins, go to different church’s and follow her like a stray dog on a leash. Your probably wondering, “what an idiot.” True but I wouldn’t be telling you this, if there was another story lined up for me.

I was suffocating,

Like two hands gripping at my throat.

Sending me into a spiral of one’s death.

It felt like death.

Not aware - nor awake.

Lost in a stormy system,

Loved by a higher power.

But broken in the shiny mirror.

Glass slowly shattering,

Into tiny metaphors,

For one’s existence.

While I stand there,

Trying fix every shard,

I bled even further.

One drop of blood,

Would tell me my fortune.

To truth and ones fruit.

When I was following Christianity I couldn’t relate to anyone, I felt brainwashed and very empty. I was still having bizarre dreams, some were repeated in different parables. However no person within the church gave me an answer. What I thought was love for God. Actually turned into obsession.

This also led me down of spreading the Gospel, telling people about the Lord in the most wrong way possible. It even got my siblings to dislike me, maybe even hating me. Following the one who gave me birth, made me 10 times more worse than her. I was very unkind to my siblings and they didn’t deserve such treatment.

A painful time of a moment

The reason why I stopped going to church’s and believing in whatever they are teaching. Is down to the fact it led to religious trauma. I only found this out recently and because of the negative impact Christianity holds believing that everything is demonic, the devil is after them or taking everything too seriously has had a painful impact in my life.

It got worse when my brother was enjoying anime art and he’s girlfriend would buy him gifts. My mum would make out like it’s demonic and would absolutely go medieval on him because of it. I naturally followed as I believed deeply back then, this already had caused a lot of strain in the family.

I think I was controlled or possessed when a moment occurred, when I decided to: rip, tear and damage he’s room like a demon doll out of a horror movie. He paid for that stuff, it was part of him and he’s personality. Instead of being interested and getting to know him. I decided to mock him and abuse him through my actions. It’s so deeply aggressive and agonising. Nobody deserves this type of sister or person in their life.

This all happened because of religion, the lies and what goes around on social media, in the church’s and taking an unhealthy persons agenda against another. As the saying goes:

‘What goes around, comes around’

Majority of this world is not demonic and the ‘rebuke’ mentality is outdated and a behaviour that is deeply embedded in the culture of Christianity. It’s wrong and the way they judge people for not following their ‘God’ or taking salvation is really belittling. I’ve had my far share of loops and I do not serve this type of God or participate any longer in this type of offence.

All of this came with even more shame, guilt and sinful behaviour. Even my dreams tell me where I was wrong, overwhelming stress and anger all came to surface recently, due to this one cursed moment of hurting my brother. That’s not love, it’s hate.

Sunset Boulevard

In the dream I was telling my sister about the possessive hour. While I offered her to come with me and watch the sunset. I could feel the sadness within me. I woke up from slumber at 3AM in the morning with pain in the chest and tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt like I was still the same person, hurting myself. When time has been on my side, healing my cracks. Sunset Boulevard, I no longer can be manipulated even by my own self made hate. I've come to love myself, even if a haunting is in my soul.

Love letter

I’m sorry my brother, you are beautiful and wise. Evilness took over me and that is no excuse for what I did to you. You are brave, strong and a fighter. I put you through the most. When all you ever wanted to do was express yourself and I stole that from you. It was sinful and myself became a villain.

Now I know what deep hatred looks like and my wish would be, to turn back time. Unfortunately, i cannot. My heart and soul ache with shame and an abundance of guilt. Tossing and turning at night, hoping that one day we can reconcile.

I love you so much, thank you for showing me the way to the light. You are a big reason that I’ve acknowledged my ignorance. Once again, with all my chest, I apologise for the pain I brought to your home. I know now, what it feels like when someone destroys something so precious.

I love you,

Tania xoxo

Leaving my hometown

I then got married to the most loving man who also believes in Christ. However, he was not as heavily involved as I was. But he loved me even in my worst. My personality was weak and destructive. Influenced by control rather than truth.

I had moved far away from everyone, moving me to London. It was my dream to live in London. The lack within me, I could not inhale how amazing it was because I had no real passion for life. I did for my husband, he gave me a new profound lens when I met him. Making my heart smile.

I then got pregnant and fast forward to the future, I had a healthy baby girl. Which led me to acknowledging the truth and doing deep inner research. I didn’t want my daughter to have an unstable mother, I wanted her to look up to me and carve her own path without the responsibility of hurt and pain. She was the reason I woke up from deep slumber.

Brick by brick, started building my own truth. I would question myself, meditate on my answer and align my body, soul and spirit. Read books, applying the principles to my life and then listen to what I’m actually going to say. I deleted social media for a while and followed my intuition. Which led me to my truth, to answers and in the end; questioning my faith.

I realised that going to these different church’s was more cult like. However, in my heart I still believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, still gravitating towards him. I still till this day pray to him but not as frequent. I acknowledge him in my heart, which to me it’s my own personal experience.

I find beauty in he’s death and the divine nature that he carried. He is the epitome of love and light. Friendship and hardship. Grace and poise. Even in all of my time of laying a new foundation, I still gravitated towards Christ because he grounded me, I felt seen, heard and at peace knowing he understood me.

My moral compass had never abandoned me and I respect that. It’s not a physical touch but more of the name that continued to give me peace even when I felt like the soul was crumbling. The name Jesus’ is highly spiritual and moving.

Even though I stopped reading the bible, the words that are layered out on paper, still ran deep in my soul.

The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

You don’t need to know it all because God lives in the hearts of many, the bible is a fort of words and inspiration. It’s art to me.

So yes, I still believe in Jesus. But that’s my own personal experience with God. I believe that he is the son of God. He came to guide us and protect us, becoming my moral compass. Someone you can visualise standing next to you, without judgement or fear. Who will help navigate life’s toughest choices.

Profoundly, I also deeply believe that we are mini universes and within us is a God and that God needs feeding. it’s up to us on how much we feed ourselves, which can lead us to light, love but if we continue down the path of destruction, hurting others; then hell has already got you, controlling you into a toxic spiral. I’ve been there, done both and you won’t even realise if you’ve become the devil.

I don’t go to church or listen to worship music, consistently read the bible or listen to sermons but I acknowledge that I’ve grown out of these experiences. I’m at peace knowing I’m following my intuition, following that deep inner knowing and praying with intention.

It’s not an act or trying to find the next best thing. Everyone’s experiences are valid and it’s a deeply personal journey. To me I needed care, compassion and understanding. Love, hope and affirmations. The universe led me to God and Mother Nature still exists. It all belongs to God.

The more I acknowledge my own existence, everything I believe in and the peace I've cultivated has allowed me to expand as an individual. I'm awake, not asleep. I observe and I learn. This is the importance of finding your truth.

Even in my times of meditation, I've seen Shiva, the Hindu God, the deity of destruction and also transformation. In my visions, I've also seen forbidden books of magic, moons, stars and death. That does not mean I'm going to start worshipping what I've seen but my eye and nervous system deeply respects the parables that God hands me.

I still adore everything that Jesus spoke about; kindness, compassion, healing and love. But this is my own experience and I’m not here to shove my belief down your throat. If you’re reading this, I’m not trying to do that, this my outlook.

I still have dreams, very vivid dreams and when I went on my own personal quest of finding myself. I came across the truth to my dreams. Which helped me filter out toxic people, thoughts and actions.

God doesn’t take away your pain, he wants you to acknowledge it and grow from it.

God doesn’t want you to blindly follow others, he wants you to question that belief.

God doesn’t want you to sit and pretend, he wants to help create you, a more authentic and honest version of you.

God is a higher power, with a higher purpose for you but you are in this life for a reason. The ultimate teacher, he is the infinity spirit, showing us different pathways but you have to pick the one the aligns with you the most.

It has to deeply resonate with you in order for you to be moulded and shaped like a sharp sword. If you’re on wobbly ground, it will always be shaky. If you walk with your truthfulness and owning it after everything that’s happened. Then you can overcome anything and have built yourself a solid foundation.

Reflection

Today I’m really grateful that I was so deeply invested with my mother and doing all of this. I had met such a beautiful, loving Man who became my husband. If I didn’t go down the path of destruction, meeting God and trying to seek understanding. I wouldn’t be standing in the creation of the real me. Meeting my love and having a sweet little one. I feel favoured and enlightened, I got to have a healthy, happy family. Deep inner meaning and get see the fruit that comes out of it all.

it’s about perception, not deception.

In every negative story, there is always a lightbulb, that will shed a powerful opposition of positivity. You can’t be too focused on the darkness around, you got to continue finding that moment, that deep inner wish of wisdom.

Strength, wisdom, empathy created me so I don’t fit into one’s standards. I told myself to stop being afraid to speak the truth because that truth will set you free. I believe in what I do, as truth led me to believe in the magic of life. Not everyone will stand on the hill but I will be more than happy to stand on mine, with my flag.

I’ve done the inner work and continue to do more. But it’s only by the help of God that I can flourish entirely, he’s given me a whole universe to look after and a mesmerising universe to seek the stars, my destiny and follow the trail to redemption. Fate is written but destiny is created, like a scientist:

Hand in hand,

A chemical concoction

Reaction or none,

My quest exists.

Pink, blue, yellow and green.

Test tubes and a golden Lab

Foam, sizzle and poof.

Magic, destiny and fame.

It’s not what you think.

It’s the creation of a new name.

Turning me into Silvia.

Silvia is for silver. As it can not tarnish easily and holds the weight of purity and radiance. after being refined turning metal into silver.

To any Christian who goes church and may be reading this. Stop taking everything so seriously. Life is meant to be enjoyed, embraced and it's beautiful. We are here to have a deep emotional rebirth, one that actually leads us to God within the stars. I used to be so serious and it took my soul. Now after years of untangling many webs, I can finally tell you what I believe in - the path of life, deep inner truth, the magic within the universe and the galaxy of God. Jesus is part of my truth.

It doesn't have to make sense to you, the beauty is the inspiration you take from my blog. It's the language of the world.

I’m a risk taker. I like to challenge what is in front of me. I would sit in church with my husband and I would have the same questions in my head. I would never get a new answer or a provoking revelation. So I looked within and it turned out to be the most painful, epic, yet poetic and chaotic journey just how I like my movies - action packed and I’m excited to see what my tomorrow holds.

Being awakened is a golden ticket to a successful life. Seek and embody it.

Ciao for now x

© [Tania Hadley Jaworska] [2025]. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be copied, reproduced, or used without prior written permission.